Parenting with Love

As parents we have overwhelming love for our children. However, I know I do struggle to actually show the enormous amount of love I hold for my daughter at times. It is true that love is not a behavior, however the evidence of love is. 

I may get a little technical here, but in Behavioral Science, we would consider love to be an operant behavior, or learned. The good thing is we learned to love because "He first loved us" 1 John 4:19. We have the best teacher to teach us HOW to show love.

As parents we strive to show unconditional love towards our children. We have that choice every day, multiple times a day, to show that unconditional love. Are we unhappy with our children's decisions sometimes? Yes. Do we get frustrated, angry, impatient? Yes. How do you act on those feelings? More importantly, how can we increase our love towards our children, and others? 

Tips on increasing our expression of love towards our children and others: 

1. Open up your Bible!

It's the BEST antecedent adjustment that influences our behaviors!

2. Make a specific goal.

I won't ask that you take baseline data on your expressions of love in a given time period, but I will encourage you to keep a conscience record of your expressions, and then increase that. Just for example, if I reflect on my day, and can only remember expressing love say five times over the day, or maybe I had a terrible day, and I know I acted out in anger and frustration all day, I may tell myself to specifically express love (whatever that looks like to you), twenty-five times the next day. It is a start, and now you can be more mindful of it. Goals are great for effective behavior change! 

3. Apply self-management strategies.  

When you look at a self-management program for yourself you should think about:

a) how you specifically want to express your love. For example, I may want to increase words of affirmation, or acts of service, etc. I may want to try to specifically replace an angry outburst with a positive behavior, such as lending a listening ear, stopping what I am doing and offering empathy, etc. This depends on you and what you specifically are trying to work on. 

b) think about what will happen if you do reach your goal, and if you don't. My example was to increase my expressions of love defined as "acts of service and/or, words of affirmation" twenty-five times in a day. If I reach that goal, a natural consequence may be the feeling of success, and hopefully a better general attitude within yourself and your child. Over time, and with conscience effort, it will become easier to appropriately respond to your child because of the positive consequences that will follow.

4. Be mindful of your actions. If you find yourself losing your patience, getting frustrated, etc., take that feeling and shift it. Remember what you are working for. Remember that this is a positive change, and it is worth working for. Remember God's unconditional love for you. 

5. Take a deep breathe, and think about the consequences that may occur if you act on your negative feelings. Maybe walk away for a few seconds if possible and compose yourself. Definitely pat yourself on the back if you successfully replace a negative action with a loving, positive one! 

This does not mean that you can't tell your child no, or be assertive, because that can be showing love to protect them, and teaching them to act appropriately, but focusing your attention on appropriate, and loving behaviors toward your children over angry out-bursts, yelling, ignoring, not following-through with a demand, aggression, and even noticing more of what your child does wrong than right, is a great change not only with yourself, but your children. 

Love is very deep, and very important. If we do not have love, how can we express the other fruits of the spirit? Gentleness, joy, patience, kindness, etc.? Love is the foundation.