Parenting with Love

As parents we have overwhelming love for our children. However, I know I do struggle to actually show the enormous amount of love I hold for my daughter at times. It is true that love is not a behavior, however the evidence of love is. 

I may get a little technical here, but in Behavioral Science, we would consider love to be an operant behavior, or learned. The good thing is we learned to love because "He first loved us" 1 John 4:19. We have the best teacher to teach us HOW to show love.

As parents we strive to show unconditional love towards our children. We have that choice every day, multiple times a day, to show that unconditional love. Are we unhappy with our children's decisions sometimes? Yes. Do we get frustrated, angry, impatient? Yes. How do you act on those feelings? More importantly, how can we increase our love towards our children, and others? 

Tips on increasing our expression of love towards our children and others: 

1. Open up your Bible!

It's the BEST antecedent adjustment that influences our behaviors!

2. Make a specific goal.

I won't ask that you take baseline data on your expressions of love in a given time period, but I will encourage you to keep a conscience record of your expressions, and then increase that. Just for example, if I reflect on my day, and can only remember expressing love say five times over the day, or maybe I had a terrible day, and I know I acted out in anger and frustration all day, I may tell myself to specifically express love (whatever that looks like to you), twenty-five times the next day. It is a start, and now you can be more mindful of it. Goals are great for effective behavior change! 

3. Apply self-management strategies.  

When you look at a self-management program for yourself you should think about:

a) how you specifically want to express your love. For example, I may want to increase words of affirmation, or acts of service, etc. I may want to try to specifically replace an angry outburst with a positive behavior, such as lending a listening ear, stopping what I am doing and offering empathy, etc. This depends on you and what you specifically are trying to work on. 

b) think about what will happen if you do reach your goal, and if you don't. My example was to increase my expressions of love defined as "acts of service and/or, words of affirmation" twenty-five times in a day. If I reach that goal, a natural consequence may be the feeling of success, and hopefully a better general attitude within yourself and your child. Over time, and with conscience effort, it will become easier to appropriately respond to your child because of the positive consequences that will follow.

4. Be mindful of your actions. If you find yourself losing your patience, getting frustrated, etc., take that feeling and shift it. Remember what you are working for. Remember that this is a positive change, and it is worth working for. Remember God's unconditional love for you. 

5. Take a deep breathe, and think about the consequences that may occur if you act on your negative feelings. Maybe walk away for a few seconds if possible and compose yourself. Definitely pat yourself on the back if you successfully replace a negative action with a loving, positive one! 

This does not mean that you can't tell your child no, or be assertive, because that can be showing love to protect them, and teaching them to act appropriately, but focusing your attention on appropriate, and loving behaviors toward your children over angry out-bursts, yelling, ignoring, not following-through with a demand, aggression, and even noticing more of what your child does wrong than right, is a great change not only with yourself, but your children. 

Love is very deep, and very important. If we do not have love, how can we express the other fruits of the spirit? Gentleness, joy, patience, kindness, etc.? Love is the foundation.

To The Parent Who Feel Defeated

Today was one of those days. I felt defeated. Nobody told me how difficult it could be to be a parent. 

It can be difficult to control our thoughts and feelings, but as Proverbs 4:23 says, "above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it", we must win the battle to overcome the feelings of defeat, because that feeling can lead to negative actions, and our children are watching. To change, we must start with changing our inward thoughts and feelings. 

I have actually heard that before. Many times. How can we actually go about positive change, though? It's a known fact that changing your thoughts and feelings isn't easy, but with God, you can overcome. 

Galatians 5:22

"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, against such things there is no law"

Each of these virtues can be translated into an outward action; an overt behavior. For instance, how do you show love? What does "love" look like? 

Focus on behaviorally defining each value/character and reflect on how replacing negative thoughts and feelings with positive ones will show in our outward behaviors, and make a difference not only in our own life, but in how we go about parenting our young ones. 

Autism Awareness- What it Should Entail

This summer I organized an Autism Resource Fair and Fun Day. Like many areas of the U.S., Autism Awareness and resources are few, however it is amazing how much support and help came together for this event.

So how does ABA fit into this?

ABA first and foremost helps individuals improve socially significant behaviors to a meaningful degree.

So what are "socially significant" behaviors?

Like the word "normal", this may have different definitions to different people. Let me explain. When targeting behaviors, we must ask if it will really help the individual, and question who exactly it will benefit. A behavior change should not just be a culturally desirable concern.
When a Behavior Analyst looks at behaviors that are concerning, we have to look at changing these behaviors by developing and teaching a functionally equivalent behavior and helping the individual engage in such a way that will benefit him/her in a functional way.
For example, I am much more worried about an individual who is aggressive toward self and others than I am about flapping hands. In fact, according to the ethical codes from the Behavior Analyst Certification Board (BACB), a Behavior Analyst must take into consideration the rights of the individual before changing behaviors, in this case Autistic traits, that are not harmful. This is why Autism Awareness and acceptance is so important.

What is ABA?

ABA stands for Applied Behavior Analysis.

Applied Behavior Analysis: the process of systematically applying interventions based upon the principles of learning theory to improve socially significant behaviors to a meaningful degree, and to demonstrate that the interventions employed are responsible for the improvement in behavior (Baer, Wolf, & Risley, 1968).

Don't worry, Ill explain it a little bit!

ABA is a scientifically valid approach to understanding behaviors (in ABA terms, discovering the "function"), hence, understanding=ability to change!

ABA focuses on observable, and measurable behaviors.

ABA uses the principles of learning to increase or decrease behaviors (think about it for a second. . . a "behavior" includes a lot!), and it generalizes learned behaviors (meaning that the learner can use new skills with multiple individuals, in different situations, and in many different environments)

ABA utilizes research-based interventions to teach skills and increase/decrease behaviors. Thus, a quality ABA program

ABA relies on data collection and analysis to determine the best intervention in teaching new skills/behaviors, and reducing challenging behaviors

Who is it for?

ABA is a research-based practice that has the most support among Autism interventions, however it can help with a wide variety of individuals with or without a diagnosis. Simply put: if there is a behavior, ABA can be applied.

References: Baer, D.M., Wolf, M.M., & Risley, T.R. (1968). Some current dimensions of applied behavior analyis. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis. 1, 91-97